


Dynamite with a laser beam

by freesiamoonbeam



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Aziraphale!Peridot, Crossover, Crowley!Lapis, Drama, F/F, Fluff, Not Beta Read, On second thought there may be no squinting involved, Romance if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 14:57:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19320478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freesiamoonbeam/pseuds/freesiamoonbeam
Summary: SU/GO crossover.The battle between Homeworld and the Crystal Gems will decide the fate of the world.Lapis Lazuli and Peridot just wants to be left alone to enjoy all the organic things they love....The universe has other ideas.





	Dynamite with a laser beam

In the beginning, there was a Peridot, and a Lapis Lazuli.

Both Gems watched, one in anticipation, one in horror, as large storm clouds gathered some distance away from the onsite Zoo. The two organics were busy fighting yet another, more primitive organic with Peridot’s limb enhancer, light occasionally flashing as the _less_ primitive organics figured out how to shoot properly.

The Lapis Lazuli spoke first. “Well, that went down _great_.”

Peridot jerked her head back as if hit. “You _think_?!”

Lapis Lazuli gave her a stare meant to convey both exasperation and annoyance at the same time. Peridot turned now, facing the blue Gem and pointing one touch-stump accusingly at her.

“You’re the one who thought giving the organics a crash-course in Gem Engineering was a great idea!”

Lapis shrugged, her water wings shimmering in the setting sun. “They just said ‘get over there and do something about that Zoo’ so I pointed out what to press, and well…” She trailed off, distracted, as one of the organics managed to get a lucky hit in and shoot their enemy right in the face. If that was a Gem, it would have been poofed already.

Peridot made a sound that reminded Lapis of super-heated water whistling through the thin cracks in the soil. Out of the corner of her eye, Lapis saw Peridot frowning, her gaze alternating from her limb enhancer-covered arm and her bare arm.

“And anyway, if the Diamonds didn’t want them to escape, what’s the point of making the controls so obvious? I mean, a huge tree in the middle of the Zoo?” Lapis continued, waving an errant hand.

“There must be _some_ reason,” Peridot started, sounding awfully like she was about to give a long-winded lecture, her tone matter-of-fact. “the Diamonds must have had a Plan, I mean- “, here she laughed nervously, “-they know everything, right? They’re the Diamonds!”

“They should have put it on a moon, at least,” Lapis drawled, more interested in the fight between organics than the Homeworld lackey beside her. “Maybe they planned it that way?”

Peridot spluttered. After a few seconds where she tried and failed to find a correct response to that, the clouds finally opened up, and drops began falling onto her manifested body.

Lapis let a smile touch her lips, reveling in the fresh rainwater that only a non-Gem-colonized planet can make. She spread her water wings out and took several steps forward, toeing the edge of Zoo’s energy wall.

“Wait, wait, what are you doing?” Peridot said, her limb enhancer creating a force field that acted as a barrier against the annoying planetary condensation.

“I’m a terraformer Gem, Peridot, that’s my job, remember? These organics need a planet ready for them, so I’ll do it,” Lapis said, turning her head and smirking at the horror-struck technician. “The Zoo is pretty boring, and I bet they’ll need more excitement than just laying around doing nothing. See, they’ve beaten that creature already!” Lapis said, gesturing to the organics.

“But you can’t! You’re a Crystal Gem, you’re supposed to…to…” Peridot waved her free hand madly, “…to be against _us_! Against _this_! Like fighting Homeworld, like shattering Gems, or…or to mess with the Diamonds’ Plan- “

Lapis’ face turned dark at the mention of ‘shattering Gems’, but almost immediately turn amused when Peridot started rambling about the Diamonds’ Plan.

“I just did, didn’t I? I messed with your job, which is given to you by the Diamonds,” Lapis gleefully pointed out. “That counts as being a Crystal Gem, right?”

Peridot gulped. “Right.”

A pause, as Lapis and Peridot stared at each other, both at a loss for what to say next.

“Uh,”

“Erm…”

Lapis ruffled her water wings. It had, in the diminishing sunlight and rain, rippled beautifully and created a soft, barely noticeable rainbow next to her bare feet and extending far behind her. Peridot was drawn to the colors, tracing the start of the rainbow to its end and marveling at the soft waves it made as the rain interrupted the patterns of light.

“What about you? What are you going to do after all this?” Lapis asked.

At that, Peridot felt very annoyed. “ _You_ just lost me my job! Oh, I’m going to go back to Homeworld in shame…” she moaned.

Lapis sighed, biting back remarks on the tip of her tongue about how unfair and cruel Homeworld really is, and instead settled for an awkward pat on the technician’s shoulder.

“How about we just watch over the organics for a while? You’ll watch over the organics, since that’s what the Diamonds told you to do, and I’ll fix up the planet for them, make it a bit more…cool?” Lapis said, scrunching her nose up at the last word. She very carefully did not add, ‘and destroy that Zoo because that’s what they actually sent me here for.’

Lapis Lazuli watched with interest as Peridot’s face contorted with indecision as she thought this through.

“But what if Homeworld knew about- “

“They _won’t_.” Lapis’ voice was firm. “And even if they did know, nothing we ever did was technically wrong, anyway. You guarded the organics, I freed them, you’ll keep them from poofing or whatever, and I’ll mess up the Diamonds’ terraforming, it’s a win-win!”

“…I don’t think the organics can _poof_.”

“You know what I mean. So, how about it?”

Peridot glanced back at the lush expanse of the Zoo. Then she looked at the organics, who were slowly making their way across the dried-up landscape that was planet’s surface.

Lapis is still waiting for an answer, her blue hand outstretched. The rain was falling harder now, and there were worrying flashes of large discharges of static electricity, which to a Gem can mean poofing. To an organic, however…

Peridot let her bare touch stumps graze the blue Gem’s hand before putting her whole hand in.

“Acceptable.”

* * *

 

 

**Some 6000 years later…**

 

* * *

 

 

The phone rang angrily in its cradle. Peridot growled as she sat up in the couch, the television grumpily paused at yet another shirtless scene of Pierre in Camp Pining Hearts. She contemplated using her ferrokinesis to lift the phone but thought that it wasn’t worth the effort and jumped up from the couch. Pumpkin, adorable little organic that he is, barked as she stomped all the way to the kitchen and picked up the phone.

“What? I’m busy- “

“It’s me, Lapis. It’s time.” The terraformer’s voice was unusually grave.

“Time for what?”

“The Final Battle, what else?!”

Peridot dropped the phone. It clattered on the wooden floors, and Pumpkin whimpered at the shell-shocked look on his owner’s face.

“We’ll talk later.” Lapis promised, and her voice abruptly switched to a single, final note of a closed call.

Somewhere, a baby with a pink Gem on his belly button was crying.

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. I have never written Lapidot at all, please send help. And a beta reader. I'll need a miracle to get through this. Oh and title comes from Killer Queen by, well, Queen. I hope you enjoy!


End file.
